after the gym…

i decided to go to the local grocery/cafe after burning my calf muscles to grab a bite to eat and to read my book. it was crowded at the trendy grocery store-filled with old and new yuppies, the young with odd hair, the earth goddesses with the really comfortable walking shoes, (insert cliche here). i wiggled my way through the crowds to get something to eat and then find a place to sit. The only seat available was in the very center of the room at the end of a long table that was currently occupied by an older gentleman quietly eating his wild mushroom salad. I sat down and pulled out my iPod turned it on to the Marie Antoinette soundtrack, opened my book and unwrapped my “organic” burrito. And then in the middle of the crowded grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, sitting at a community table i felt totally alone. I had turned the music on so loud (probably not recommended by doctors to do so) that i felt enclosed by it. i love it when you are in a crowded area and you can still get that feeling of privacy, maybe because you had tuned everyone out or maybe like with me there was something else going on that only you were aware of-something that no one else could see or hear.

almost like being special…

…i’m getting more and more odd everyday.

unemployed…

i have now been unemployed for a whole day and i have to say its weird. I’ve noticed (having been spoiled over the past couple of years by Mon-Fri, 8-5 jobs) that being out shopping during the middle of the day on a weekday feels weird. the day its self feels different. and then you look around at the number of people out and about too and think “don’t these people have jobs?” but of course it hits you that you don’t. and I live in an area that has many people working all kinds of hours (think Las Vegas but not) and it still feels odd to me that a retail store has customers, other than the retired or soccer moms, shopping.

i need a job…

one more day…

even though i am leaving this job on my own i still feel guilty about leaving. especially when there are the new people there that seem so happy about working there (of course they could just have that excitment starting a new job) but then i realize when i wake up in the morning and still dragging myself to work that leaving this job it what needs to be done.

I am out of here…

i’m watching…

t.v. on another weekday night when a commercial for “the truth” comes on. it was the one that is a musical complete with animated animals dancing with the live duo as onlookers stare in amazement. and then it gets me thinking about the other truth commercial where the guy goes into various gun shops asking for “lite” bullets. and i start to think- god i hate these commercials and this entire campaign.

I know smoking is bad for me- others know that smoking is bad for them- so why do we need condescending commercials to try to convince us of what we already know. there are no lite bullets just like lite cigarettes are not different from the regular. yes cigarettes have been known to cause cancer- so has a lot of other things and maybe more to come. and maybe comments where made by CEO’s of these companies that are horrible and wrong but do we really need a couple of guys singing and dancing with imaginary animals in order for us to realize that smoking is bad for us. NO!!

Smoking is bad- that’s it- like an X-Files episode- “the truth is out there” (and we all know it already!)

this is me now…

sitting at my desk, at work (late as always) staring at the computer. trying to actually work but feeling a little fed up more so than my brain feeling fried. just tired of being at work- here now.

I’m listening to the culture club and trying desperately not to sing out loud because I’m not the only one here (the others are down the hall taking a class)

but when i get home tonight drained of all imagination, energy and will – i will fall asleep and start another day tomorrow and still feel the exact same way even with the sleep.

and i’m wearing a turtle neck in the summer because i like it and i work in an air-conditioned office that is a constant temperature and i never leave the office during the day- so yes my wardrobe is fall/winter year round – i like it.

you know why…

…I’m so sporadic in my writing or go for long periods of time without a word. to say the least i was in a situation that was killing me and of course I had no idea it was killing me until my husband so delicately put it “you’re acting like a bitch”.

so to rid my self of this long attempted suicide i quit. without any nets or fall backs, no plan b; something else to hold on to. its over! the relationship is done. simply because i couldn’t stand it anymore, i hated getting out of bed (and not the usual-“but its so warm in here” reason) and the sound of certain voices were invading my head so much as to cause dreams- not nightmares where i wake up screaming but dreams of constantly being asked questions, questions that had answers that were answered but for some reason needed to be asked non-stop over and over….

Free—–very free and now I only have to hang on for eight more days.